How are you doing? I’m busy blogging for clients at Lizard Creative Chaos and teaching other people to do the same at Be A Freelance Blogger. That crazy game plan I had a couple of years ago finally paid off. :D

Aside from a one-off booking to appear as Mystique [X-Men] for cult photographer David “Draken” Watkins, I don’t model any more. I get paid more to blog than I did to pose, and the offspring needs new shoes.

So, this blog is coming down bit by bit. I may update some of my better posts and publish them somewhere else.

If you’re here for the alt/fetish photos, you can still look at a few for now. When I take the gallery down, you’ll be able to find a lot of them on the photographer or client’s websites anyway.

If you’re here for the rants, inspirations, DIY ethic and stubborn clinging to the notion that sanity is a relative term, sit tight. I’m creating a new place for us to hang out and encourage each other to reach for the stars, right out of the gutter.

Stay in touch with me on Twitter: @sophielizard

Machiavelli Id by D4 Photography

If you were looking, you’d have noticed me not being here much lately.

Yeah, I know, how ignorant of me. I suck.

Listen, I’ve got an AI exam to take next week, a new blog launching, and some more personal stuff going on that you don’t get to hear about yet.

Been hectic. Don’t judge unless you too are an artificial intelligence student on a mission to change the world with blogging and inappropriate TMIs.

I’ll be back. Meanwhile, take a look at what I’ve been doing:
BeAFreelanceBlogger.com

I know it’s a face not only because it looks like one, but also because I was privy to the artist’s stream-of-thought babbling throughout the creative process. “Eyes, it’s a ears, it’s a nose…” and so on.

Crayon on plastic coated fabric, 2012.

1.  You can name every character on In the Night Garden, but you don’t know what day it is.

2.  You do know what day it is, but only because the kids’ TV presenters were singing about it.

3.  Your most exciting conversation today went along the lines of, “What’s that?” “It’s a shoe.” “What’s that?” “A shoe.” “What’s that?” “Still a shoe.” “What’s THAT?” “That, surprisingly enough, is the same shoe you asked about earlier. It’s a shoe.” “What’s that?”…

4.  You find raisins in your shoes, in your bed, in your pockets, and generally stuffed into any orifice not covered by your underwear.

5.  You can’t find your keys, your phone, or any written material that’s escaped being reviewed and corrected in green crayon.

6.  You spend all day trying to track down the source of an irritating humming noise. You wonder if you have tinnitus. Then you find out it’s coming from a singing toy that’s been left on for so long it only makes ghost sounds.

7.  You decide to write more list posts on your blog. They take a bit less effort than epic rants, and nobody will notice if you phone in one or two posts, right? Right.

As a further cheap shot, here’s a photo of ye toddler to make you go all “ahhh…”. Or, possibly, “Aaargh!”

P.S. If you don’t have  a blog, just read #7 as “You decide to write more lists.” It’s something every parent does, but I can’t guarantee it’ll help (or that you’ll be able to find the damn lists again later when your memory’s shot).

Peace out, or some such gay gangsta shit.

Um, what better way to celebrate Her Royal Majesty’s 60th everything than by sticking some crown-shaped sparkles to your lady garden?

Srsly? Your bedazzled mind must be fried, but hey, it’s your call. And it’s nowhere near as worrying a political statement as the Obama-headed dildo I saw a couple of weeks ago.

If you really want to get one of these, you’ll find them for sale at Lovehoney for a fiver, along with a huge pile of sexy stuff for women, men and couples.

Please, don’t send me your photos. The mental image of a Her Majazzle in use is haunting me already, I don’t need evidence!

What a waste of tree-corpse. Even if it’s all recycled and recyclable, what a waste of energy. It all has to be manufactured and transported.

You know, I’ve got no issue with the colour coded individual wrappers. They’re hygienic and they help me find the absorbency I want. But why box them up like that? I could have coped if they were all loose in the one box.

Tampax, you disappoint me. With you I can go swimming and ride horses, or in more recent campaigns defy a posh granny by partying all night. But you won’t help me save the world.

What’s up with that?

Since the sun is well and truly out and long holiday weekends beckon, I thought it might be a nice idea to share some tips and recommendations for make up survival at festivals.

Based on trial and (considerable) error, I’ve come up with some golden hints I swear by. Hopefully these will help us to avoid the third-day-leprous look that can afflict the make up wearing festie-goer.

Clueless at Glastonbury in 2000

Before we start, feel free to disregard these tips if you’re “going to a festival” by staying in a hotel or rocking up from home with a day ticket. You can have your assistant do your make up and your butler can carry your cosmetic kit around in an adorable little golf cart if you like. You’ll have access to showers, and baths filled with champagne – my humble words may damage your noble eyes so feel free to skip!

For those of us who will be spending three nights in a grubby tent around a camp fire of plastic and rubbish, the following might be useful…

Wear Sunscreen

You know how Baz Luhrmann would like to recommend you wear sunscreen? I’d like you to wear sunscreen even more than that. Aside from cancer, premature ageing and leathery complexion –all of which are likely to affect you after the end of the festivities– sunburn sucks.

Sunburn hurts and makes you feel sick and hot, no good for festie fun times. As someone who experienced completely drug free hallucinations at a festival, and risked brain damage thanks to sunstroke, I’d also like to strongly recommend you wear a hat or head covering of some kind!

Ace of No Base

Usual “Primer, Foundation, Powder” routines just don’t work in a camping context. Even if your campfire is composed purely of organic sapient pearwood, a thousand nearby fires of crisp packets and stolen trainers are not. There’s smoke, grease and dirt in the air and your seldom-washed sleeping bag and backpack-as-pillow are not really helping.

Your face responds by becoming extra greasy itself to wash the smoke-ick out of your pores and suddenly nothing will stick to your face. Carefully applied base and powder ends up as a muddy slick at your hairline, and orange rings around spots and anything else you’d rather not draw attention to.

The answer to this is to skip your usual base entirely. You’ll look a lot better. If you really need something, a smidge of tinted moisturiser or b.b. cream will do. In the picture above I’m wearing a little bit of Garnier Miracle Skin Perfector BB cream in “Light”.

If you’re a concealer user, I understand I’m not going to be able to talk you out of using it. Take a versatile one that is easy to apply and you don’t mind losing (make up bags, like wallets, are highly stealable, so don’t take anything you can’t face losing). Superdrug 2true do three products for a fiver or £1.99 each, and their concealers are decent enough. If you bring your Touche Eclat and lose it, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Emphasis for three-day eyes

With all the grot floating around and all the laughing and crowd surfing you’re going to be doing, your eye make up is likely to run or smudge. You can embrace this! You can Michael Stipe  it and ninja turtle mask your eyeliner over half of your face. It’s a festival! It’s fine!

If you don’t want to do that, you’ll want to select eye make up products that aren’t soluble in the things they’ll be exposed to, and stick to them. Chief among these genius products are mascaras with “tubing” formulas like L’Oreal Double Extension Beauty Tubes mascara (pictured).

The two-step formula sets to form tubes around your lashes that are only soluble when warm water is applied for a couple of minutes. Once set, it won’t dissolve in tears or face grease, it’s non-transfer and gives you super huge lashes to boot. I wear this mascara surfing and even the repeated cold-water dunkings won’t shift it.

I’m going to go really grungey here and make a suggestion that may horrify some – don’t remove your eye make up at the festival. Wipe your face clean with your baby wipes or whatever, regularly, but if you choose a powerful eyeliner and a tubing mascara, this won’t actually remove them. Ignore this completely if you have contact lenses, sensitive eyes or OCD, and never do this at home, but at Glasto? It could work! The eyeliner I’m using is Collection 2000 Extreme 24H Felt Tip Liner, which is just brilliant.

It deposits colour like a new Sharpie on good paper, then leaves it there as a stain rather than a layer of material. It dries quickly and once on, it’s hard to remove. I say, get your eyeliner right before you go and just top it up while you’re there. Getting it all off and getting it right again in a hand mirror in a tent? Well, you can do this if you like but I’m not going to.

Cheeky Girls

Like foundation and powder, sophisticated blusher, bronzer and contouring is likely to lose its sticking power by the end of day 1. This is where a sheer, creamy colour product like this Daly Face Bronze I picked up in the M&S sale for £1 can be your friend.

Applied lightly to areas in need of colour, a product like this can eliminate pale pastiness without building up a layer of powdery mess on festival skin.

It’s also handily packaged with a mirror so you don’t need to bring a separate one. I’m too pale for bronzer at this point in the year, so I’m wearing the cream blusher from the Boots 17 All About Nude compact, which is another useful mirrored kit. Choose one that suits and stick to it – sorted.

Flaming Lips

For lips, your best bet is a balm with sunblock in. You’ll be outside all day, imbibing many fine beverages, partaking of peace pipes and organic falafels, and you will need your lips to be in good shape for that. If you want to add some colour, a gloss like this one from MUA can add a glamourous touch for just £1.

MUA glosses are nicely pigmented and can double as a cream blusher, saving even more space in your backpack for essential beer and baby wipes. You’re welcome.

So, that’s seven essential products to make you up without messing you up this festival season. If you can reduce the number of products even further, I’d love to know how you do it.

If after all this you’re feeling naked, not made up enough –How will they know I’m a girl?– do not fret, I’ve done some research and tacky bejewelled tiaras still exist!

Still clueless in 2012

Enjoy the festivals kids! Wear Sunscreen!

Love from Bee

***

Thanks so much to Machiavelli Id for inviting me to do a guest post. My name is Bee, I’m a beauty blogger usually to be found at http://beelovesbeauty.com. I’m not a beauty expert or a make up artist, just an ordinary make-up wearer who likes to blog about it.

Handmade feather headband from a selection by Bijou Bijoux.

Photography credits: Image 1 by D. Trezise, 2000; Images 2 to 9 by Bee Loves Beauty, 2012.

By the time they’re toddlers, kids think keys are even more magical. Not only fun but also a tool for opening exciting boxes or –even better!– doors and windows onto the outside world. Plus the keys are clearly important to the grown-ups, which makes stealing them or hiding them much more satisfying.

My Toddler, My Key Thief

Hmm, these look interesting… is that a beetle preserved in perspex?

She whisked them off the high chair tray and ran around behind her playpen to make her escape. But then she came back to taunt me with them. Evil genius.

Shiny shiny! And they jingle, too.

I love that photo – the keys are moving and everything else is staying still. Normally it’s her face that’s all motion-blurred, so it’s nice to finally have another photo where you can see her properly.

Funny funny noise!

After all the hysterical laughing and key-waving, she finally decided to make a break for it.

 Unlock the window, Mother, I’m going out.

It’s the same white hardware and extra stuff as you get in the older Xbox 360 Family Pack:

• a white 4GB Xbox 360 S console
• a white Kinect sensor
• 2 white wireless controllers
• Kinect Adventures
• Kinect Sports
• 3 months’ Xbox Live Gold membership

The only extra to what they’re calling the “Celebration Pack” is that it comes with free Union Jack skins for all the hardware, so that you can make it look like this:

Xbox 360 Celebration Pack with Union Jack skins

That means you have to apply the skins yourself, so you still run the risk of cocking it up. And there’s nothing updated about the hardware. That said, it’s a good deal for the full bundle offered, so if you need new hardware then snap one up – you don’t have to use the stupid skins if you don’t want to.

You can pre-order the Xbox 360 Celebration Pack on Amazon for £239.86 right now, and it will be released on 25th May, just in time to cash in on the Queen’s Jubilee madness in June.

If you’ve already got the hardware, save yourself a couple of hundred quid and just by some Union Jack Xbox 360 skins instead.

Personally, I prefer the Xbox 360 Star Wars bundle - it’s got a cool C3PO style gold controller, and the console itself is styled to look like R2-D2.

Robots sadly *not* included

Plus it makes R2-D2 sounds and has a bigger hard drive at 320GB. You only get one month of Xbox Live Gold with it, but then you get the Kinect Star Wars game instead of Kinect Sports. It costs about £50 more, but I know which one I’d buy.

I for one welcome our new robot sex overlords

They go even further, saying that a massive increase in human trafficking is going to necessitate these sex bots. While they aren’t the first to envision a future of robots pleasuring humans, it is this specific claim I want to address.

Sex is far more complex than the physical desire to climax. And sex crimes aren’t necessarily simply about sex, if at all. Outsourcing fornication to robots won’t miraculously cure the sad reality of people being kidnapped and sold into sexual servitude.

We’re all wired differently when it comes to sex. Different things trip our triggers. Maybe our fetishes are inherent and can’t be explained. Maybe they’re classically conditioned like Pavlov’s dogs associating a ringing bell with steak.

Sex can drive technology. I fully expect we’ll see sex bots in my lifetime. And if there is some promise of a robot who can pleasure me better than any human, I’ll certainly line up to try it. If nothing else, it will take the work out of masturbation. Some days, that’s all I want and frankly I don’t see a problem with safely trading gratification for money.

My own hollow needs affirmation from time to time. I assume this is somewhat universal of the human experience. I also crave sincere human intimacy. I can’t imagine a robot can provide the girlfriend experience.

I’ve never solicited the services of a prostitute, and certainly never patronized a business that exploits the victims of human trafficking. But I can imagine the motivations of their clientele are not simplistic. An adult toy store could otherwise service them far cheaper, and with less legal risk.

Some couples are already conflicted over sex toys, and whether they threaten partners. This study suggests spouses won’t feel threatened by sex bots, but if you’re insecure, wouldn’t you feel more threatened by a sex toy that has a face and is perhaps more attractive than you?

Each relationship is a different social contract. Perhaps sex toys and porn are acceptable, but casual flirting with others isn’t. Another couple might have a completely open relationship but draw the line at farting under the covers. You can’t simply state that spouses universally are going to sign on sex-bot parlors because we all feel differently when it comes to sex and what we need in a relationship.

Image credit: jwilson at syslog