One of my pet hates is redundant language; I reserve the right to “really truly” for emphasis if I want to, but all that “05-hundred AM in the morning” stuff is for cock jockeys.
Here’s a little visual celebration of redundancy in action:
I'd prefer to prepay afterwards, by Andrew Sardone
I was at the shops yesterday & bought a Company magazine – special new redesign, promo price of £1, no idea what’s changed about it other than the crinkly “real feel” paper. Now, I’m not sure if it’s just that I’m deeply untrendy, or whether fashion has crawled back up its own arsehole and died, but there are some trends I simply will not be doing. Ever, if I can help it.
Not Doing: Denim Boilersuits
I last wore one of these in 1987; you can’t make me go back there. I was only 10, I didn’t know what I was doing. I thought [wished] it made me look cool like Ripley in Alien, but I was a kid digging holes in the woods, and a jumpsuit wasn’t going to turn me into a hardcore grown-up heroine. Baggy but not comfortable, inconvenient to change or adjust layers, and there’s no way in hell I’d pay Wrangler or anyone else £135 for making me look like an extra from an archetypal sci-fi engineering room.
Not Doing: 7/8ths Length Jeans
Listen, my legs are long. If I wore jeans that stopped above my ankle bone, I’d have inches of exposed ankle getting hypothermia. Also, it’d look like I’d stolen them from a 12 year old. As it is, I usually wear boots that reach at least mid-calf, so the whole thing would be pointless because nobody would see my on-trend leg length anyway.
Not Doing: Feather Mini Skirts
Because my arse was not built to be a pom-pom. And because if I was going to wear a feather skirt, I’d want bloody great melodramatic peacock feathers rather than that fluffy fringy stuff.
On the upside, leopard print is cool still/again. Boy boots and brogues with big brothel-creeping workwear soles are a thing. And there are ads in there for new extra-big bottles of Aussie Miracle Moist, which is one of the few conditioners my hair will cooperate with.
We’ve had some crazy times with American Presidents over the years, but it’s been nothing compared to some of the rulers in ancient history. With the upcoming U.S. election, it’s time to take a look back. And let’s at least be grateful we haven’t had to live under the reign of some of these crazy guys (and girls).
1. Caligula
Roman Emperor from 37 AD to 41 AD, Caligula began his reign as a beloved ruler and a supporter of the people. He granted bonuses to the military and put on gladiator shows for the public. When financial troubles hit Rome, Caligula began falsely accusing and killing some citizens in order to gain their estates. He started auctioning off the lives of gladiators. He ordered lavish construction projects in the midst of famine. He soon began insisting that people worship him as a living god. He was said to sleep with other men’s wives and brag about it, prostitute his sisters, indulge in hedonistic sexual pursuits, and order people to be killed for pleasure whenever he felt like it. He even appointed his horse as a senator and a priest of a church.
2. Sultan Ibrahim I
Sultan of the Ottoman Empire from 1640 to 1648, he was said to be depressed and insane. During his rule, it was essentially his mother who controlled the empire for him. He was obsessed with obese women, and he even appointed one of them, a 330-pound girl he called “Sugar Bit,” Governor General of Damascus. When he found out that some of his prostitutes had been with another man, he had 280 girls from his harem drowned.
3. Queen Maria I
The Queen of Portugal from 1777 to 1816, Maria I was always depressed and maniacally religious. She was a good ruler until she was deemed insane in the later part of her rule. She would often go into fits of delirium, and when her husband died, she forbade any entertainment in the court. At the yearly state festivities, she essentially sucked out all the fun and made them more like religious ceremonies. After she began getting treatment for her craziness, she stopped being an active ruler and would lie around all day screaming.
4. Crown Prince Sado
Sado was Prince of Korea from 1735 to 1762, and he was reported to abuse his servants, kill people and rape women on a whim. It was suspected that he became crazy after suffering from the measles when he was seventeen years old. He terrorized his court, and eventually his father the King ordered him killed. Crown Prince Sado was sealed inside of a rice chest, and he died after eight days.
5. Joanna of Castile
Joanna was Queen of Castile and Queen of Aragon in the early 16th Century. This area is now modern day Spain. Joanna was nicknamed “Joanna the Mad.” Historians believe she suffered from severe depression, or possibly schizophrenia. She was paranoid that nuns were out to kill her, and she often refused to eat or bathe. When her son became King, he forced her into confinement. It is said that when her husband died, she insisted on keeping his rotting corpse with her at all times.
*****
Terry Ford and her team at Grammarly grammar checker love collecting quirky lists and sharing on the web.
Where you blog (if you don’t blog anywhere, that’s fine)
What you’d write about on here
Where else we can find you (Twitter, Facebook, whatever)
Write what you like, and people like you will read it. Send it to me or upload it to our guest blogger account as a draft.
Don’t send us the same old stuff you’ve already had published somewhere else, please. If you want to get more exposure on a certain topic, write a new post about it.
Include nice relevant, attributed public domain images where you can, cos everybody likes a good picture.
Write yourself a byline/mini-bio/shamelessly self-promoting blurb that I can put at the end of your post. You’ll get a one-line intro at the start of the post as well with your name & a link to your main blog/site.
If you want your byline to include a photo or logo, email me that too.
Please don’t put affiliate links (like clickbank, go, affiliatewindow, etc) in your guest posts or bylines. I’ll remove them.
If you’ve got a one-on-one deal with someone that they’re gonna give you a kickback for the customers that find them via a link in your post, that’s fine with me (and I may not even be able to tell, if they’re just using something like Google Analytics to count clicks & conversions). But if it looks like an affiliate system to me, I’ll remove the hyperlink.
Stuff in as many non-affiliate links as you want. I’ll only remove them if they’re boring (drab p0rn, search pages, bad web services) or despicable (non-consensual p0rn, virus peddlers, predatory fearmongers).
Be aware that I edit all posts on here, but I’ll check anything beyond spelling, punctuation & grammar changes with you first.
In my Saturday afternoon ennui, I’ve decided to look up URLs that sound like unreal examples. Here’s what I found:
www.example.com
Like example.org, this has been reserved so that it _can_ be used as an example in documents, presentations etc without leading anyone to a random site.
A random site like these:
www.example.co.uk
Doesn’t seem to exist, but http://example.co.uk does & took me to a Smartways Technology webmail portal that looked cowboy compared to the company’s website.
www.anexample.com
Don’t go there. You’ll have to shut your browser down to escape…
www.notarealurl.com
Exists & is a blog feeding images of reality straight to your unsuspecting screen.
www.nothere.com
“No there” or “not here”? Discuss.
Exists & is one of those keyword results pages. All photography & art related when I looked at it…
www.something.com
Exists & is a blank white page with the word “Something” on it. In black. Times New Roman or of that font family, top left aligned. Looks like 12 point size, though that’s hard to say when you’re viewing online cos it’s pixels really.
It’s been a year now since Mini-Mi was born. A year and a bit less than 2 hours, in fact. I’ve been thinking about the birth – my ideals, what really happened, what went right, what went wrong, and what [if anything] I can think of to pass on that might be useful to someone who’s getting ready to have a baby.
OK, point 1:
I never went to hospital. Mini-MI was born on the couch at home, without medical staff, and we were lucky her new clothes were dry in time for her to wear them because we’d just decided to wash everything the night before she arrived. Consider me entirely unqualified to tell you what you need in your hospital bag.
However, I have some ideas that I think you might want to check out…
First off, stop calling it a hospital bag. You’re not an invalid, for fuck’s sake – you’re about to heroically expel a small human being from your body. That’s a survival kit you’re preparing.
With that in mind, let’s review the situation. The baby will need a certain amount of shizzle ready & waiting when it turns up. You’ll find helpful lists of that kind of thing in every Mothercare catalogue, pregnancy book or mommy blog you read, so let’s not waste too much time: vests, sleepsuits, mittens, hats, blankets. Several of each. Also soft cloths, nappies, wipes if you use them, and towels. You’ll probably be able to buy, beg or borrow most of what the baby needs, so don’t obsess about it.
Now, the stuff a birthing mother needs: there’s plenty of lists you’ll easily find for this too. Useful ideas like dressing gowns, slippers, breast pads, drinks, music and such. But I have a few other suggestions.
1) Ridiculously baggy-arsed trousers. Unless you deliver by C-section, you’re going to be bloody sore after the birth. Not “tender”, but outright gasp-with-shock-every-time-you-go-to-sit-down sore. The last thing you’ll need is tight pants crushing your enormous postpartum sanitary pad into your lady bits. Get the biggest-assed trousers you can find. Don’t think skirts will work instead – they’ll gather up all over the place and piss you right off.
2) Something – a jug, a bottle, a watering can, a spray gun thingy like you get for household cleaning fluid – that you can use to get water on your vulva. Seriously, don’t just guess, test it and make sure you can soak your vulva with water in whatever’s your usual peeing position. You might need to spray or pour water over yourself every time you pee after the birth for a while, because it will burn to all hell if you have even a few small abrasions. If you have a caesarian section, this one might not apply – but take it just in case, eh.
3) Something you can squeeze and possibly bite without hurting it or yourself. When you hit the peak of a massive contraction, you don’t really want to break someone’s hand or knacker your fingers grabbing on to bedding or bars.
That’s it. Look after your bits, and try not to break anything. Good luck.
Another selection of tunes from Mini-MI’s rapidly expanding list of favourites. This month, she’s discovered the joys of rap and is continuing her love affair with the catchy bassline.
Breeders – Cannonball
As soon as she hears the first “Ah-OOOO-ooh” she starts to smile and look around for someone to dance with her.
Cypress Hill – I Wanna Get High (Yo Quiero Fumar Mota)
Her little back and neck straighten with excitement and interest when this song starts up. It sort of makes her look like a meerkat. She seems to prefer the Spanish version to the original… but Sony aren’t sharing types, so you’ll have to watch it on YouTube :(
W A Mozart – Symphony No. 25 in G minor
She does her weird “howling at the moon” squeal to bits of this one. Goes quite nicely, imo.
Modified Toy Orchestra – QWERTY
Yay for mash-up musical instruments :)
Pixies – Monkey Gone To Heaven
She may not know the words or the melody, but she’s got her own little vocalisations for the chorus.
The Who – Boris the Spider
Creepy crawly, creepy crawly, creepicreepycrawlicrawlycreepicreepycrawlicrawly… one baby in hysterical giggles. [But again, you'll have to watch it on YouTube cos UMG are tight with the free entertainment.]
Tupac Shakur – Changes
Her absolute most favouritest 2Pac song (California Love is a close second). Must be the summertime harmonies.
The Others – Bushido
With a bouncer (baby bungee thing, not nightclub security) to help her stay standing, she’s a tiny dubstep dancing machine. Uncanny.
NWA – Straight Outta Compton
Turns her into a dancing fool. Swaying, star jumps, pirouettes, sidestepping, body popping… ain’t no tellin’ when she’s down for a jack move.
I was recently informed that this is an example of a terrible headline/subject line that would put people off reading further. Got to say, I totally disagree. For one thing, you just did it. Q.E.D., etc.
Also, it has a huge subtext of honesty and the potential for all these great results (though they’re not guaranteed, they’ve been mentioned; now they’re on your mind and the non-guarantee irrationally makes them seem more, not less, likely provided one is not a total lazy idiot. Which one is not, of course, else one would not be here reading such a classy blog.)
Soufflé (image via Wikipedia)
So, as promised:
Raise children.
Do the big holiday grocery shop.
Fall in love.
Help the lazy.
Give up sleep and food to make time for everything else.
Make (and serve) soufflé.
Blog outdoors at sub-zero temperatures in a howling wind.
Count calories.
Write an epic trilogy in a fictional language.
Do your best.
I’m currently doing 7 out of 10. How about you? Let me know in the comments section so we can compare…
Related Article (read to the end – the last one’s the best)
Stuff I’ve tried a million different versions of until I found one that was good…
Black eyeliners – they’re either too hard & scratchy, too soft & smeary, look dark grey instead of black, or settle into my skin and don’t wash off for days. Benefit Bad Gal eyeliner feels lovely & smooth, makes a nice clean line, smudges & blends well, but doesn’t rub off.
Scratch mittens for babies (to stop mini-MI from shredding her face with her own tiny sharp fingernails). Primark’s mittens are the only ones she can’t pull off too easily, and they’re the cheapest too – 50p for a pack of 2 pairs.
Lip balms – I’ve worked my way through everything from Chap Stick and Vaseline to Jelly Belly flavoured jelly balms and Chanel’s Soin Tendre Lèvres, but my favourite is still Carmex (with a layer of Sudocrem underneath if my lips are really dry).
Sanitary towels & panty liners – I hadn’t used them for years before giving birth, but now I remember how uncomfortable and potentially leaky they are. Bodyform are shaped to fit much better than the other brands I’ve tried lately, and if you’re relying on towels overnight then get their “Goodnight” towels because they are the ONLY ones I’ve had no trouble with. Kotex panty liners are nice too, though “nice” isn’t really the right word for menstrual accessories.
Ginger beer – I’ve worked my way through every ginger beer I could find in local shops & pubs, and the best of them all is Idris. It’s not too fizzy, gingery enough to be refreshing without making you need another drink to wash the burn out of your mouth, and you can mix it with dang near anything (Hibiscus? yep. Dark rum? yep. Jack Daniels? yep. Rosé? yep. Lemon and lime? yep. Pomegranate? yep. Haven’t tried it with absinthe though.)
The fear of digital attacks and privacy leakages (matron!) drives people to withdraw from online society and hole up in Luddite cybersurvivalist hovels. Or maybe they just whine about it and have another coffee. Either way, “cybersurvivalism” is a great word and I claim it if nobody else already has. (A quick google reveals that “cybersurvivalist” was used by Brian Hayes in 1998, writing for American Scientist. And the domain cybersurvivalist.com was registered in 1997. Dang.)
So here’s my pick of the latest interweb’s-gonna-getcha articles & posts…
Aza Raskin’s tab napping proof-of-concept. Some kind of digital Darwinism is weeding out those of us who don’t devote enough attention to online security, and only the squirrelly will survive.
It’s been six-and-a-bit weeks since mini-MI’s birth, so here’s some initial observations…
Breastfeeding stimulates the baby’s gut. This means you get farted on a lot. Isn’t nature wonderful.
At 4 or 5 a.m., breastfeeding may also stimulate the mother’s gut, leading to a “get screamed at or shit yourself?” dilemma.
Babies grimace when they have wind, and it looks like a smile. This I already knew. I hadn’t considered, however, that this means they frequently give you a cheery grin while farting on you.
Colic is officially defined as something along the lines of “inconsolable crying for at least a few hours a day, at least a few days a week, for no apparent reason, in a thriving baby”. This means that if you have a conversation that goes something like this…
PARENT: “My baby seems healthy but it’s crying a lot and I don’t know why.”
MEDICAL WORKER: “That’s colic.”
What actually just got said was…
PARENT: “My baby seems healthy but it’s crying a lot and I don’t know why.”
MEDICAL WORKER: “Your baby seems healthy but it’s crying a lot and I don’t know why.”
Baby poo. Starts off like Marmite, ends up like peanut butter. Crunchy peanut butter. (I refer you to realbabymilk.org’s article with photos – enjoy.) Sometimes, particularly in the early days, it has these little bits in it, like sesame seeds. Where do they come from? What are they made of?
The best food for a breastfeeding mother is just about anything that can be eaten with one hand and doesn’t involve too much sauce, crumbs or other debris.
It’s possible to survive on very little sleep but conversation, fine motor skills and logical thinking definitely fail after a few days.
Babies have an astonishing potentiality. They’re a tiny bundle of infinite possibilities, good and bad, like a cross between Pandora’s Box and the box containing Schrödinger‘s Cat. Only cuter.
The SciencePhoto.com collection of sciencey images is vast enough for hours of edifying browsing.
Who Calls Me – if you get missed calls or messages from unknown organisations, put in the phone number from your caller ID into the search box to find out who uses that number and what experiences other users have had with them.
The Rebel Pin-Up Page publishes a new pin-up picture each day with lovely retro-styled ladies on three different networks: Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace.
Stuff I’ve appreciated while flailing around in the net:
Chimpanzees Use Sex Tools (Physorg.com)
Male chimps attract attention by rustling dry leaves to get lady chimps to check out their erections. Sound effects are woefully underused by human males in courting, IMO, except for farting, belching, and Eric Clapton (none of which work on me, sorry).
BabycareAdvice.com Articles
Useful info for parents/carers. The advice on this site is relatively sane and mostly evidence-based (or it tells you if there’s only anecdotal evidence).
Ways to Send Real Life Gifts via Twitter (Mashable.com)
Five services that can send a gift to a Twitter user whose address you don’t know. Most useful in the UK is SendSocial.com, whose couriers will pick up and deliver packages to anyone as long as you have their email address or Twitter ID.
Here we are at the end of 2009, or here I am anyway – dunno where/when you’ll be when you read this but I hope it’s all good. Time now to do the Janus thing & take a look at the passing and incoming years…
Things I’ve enjoyed in 2009:
My work, both writing and modelling.
My friends and family, who I often ignore but do love very much.
Some decent films – Law Abiding Citizen was one of my favourites, and District 9 was highly engaging for such a simple narrative. Avatar was fairly unoriginal but very nice to look at. Gamer was much less brainless than expected and quite entertaining. Watchmen was good as a film, though lacking some of the depth of the graphic novel. (And Adz the Russian still hasn’t got over the sight of Dr Manhattan’s giant blue penis.)
Music in all its forms. There’s too much to list.
Making a brief foray into burlesque dancing, only to get pregnant a couple of weeks after my first show.
Things I’ve disliked in 2009:
Losing my old job, though my self-employed work now is much more rewarding & less stressful.
Arguments, of which I have had many.
Some terrible films – Wolverine (blandly rolling around in its own mediocrity; why introduce Deadpool, only to make such poor use of him? Though apparently there’s plans to give Deadpool his own movie…), Paranormal Activity (no, looking like camcorder footage doesn’t make it any scarier when fuck all much happens), and Drag Me To Hell (wtf happened to the horror-comedy genius that was Sam Raimi?). And a special mention for 2012, which was not only scientifically dodgy as fuck, but also managed to be dull and repetitive (oh no! drive this vehicle while buildings fall down and the road drops away behind us! again!) and ridiculously over-long.
Not having enough time to read lots of books.
Hopes, fears and predictions for 2010:
Giving birth to my first (and only) child. At home. I’m terrified and excited in equal measure, and I expect the balance to tip in favour of terrified as the due date approaches.
Maternity leave. No doubt money will be in short supply, but I’m looking forward to it nonetheless.
More writing, more modelling, more work that’s personally (and financially) fulfilling.
A holiday, if we can manage it.
Making my own fetish clothing & accessories, starting with some fetish maternity clothes. I’ll show you when they’re done.
Global climate recovery policies – we need them. I feel shame that I haven’t wasted less and recycled more this year.
Hair dye – oh, how I’ve missed you. Pregnant hair is unpredictable, so I’ve been laying off the bleach & krazy kolor. It’ll be good to have my bright hair back again soon. In the meantime, wash-out reds will have to do.
More bdsm play. I have so much wicked stuff to play with, I don’t want to leave it sitting in the cupboard for months at a time next year…
And finally, “world peace”. I don’t believe it’s possible or even healthy, but it sounds nice.
Have a lovely New Year’s Eve, wherever you are, and do what you can with the new year. Maybe it’ll be your best yet.
Machivelli Id by Mike Crawley, edited by Michelle Strottner and Machiavelli Id
(I’ve had Santa Baby stuck on continuous loop in my head for days now, even though I’ve been avoiding all shopping centres and other xmas venues. To exorcise the muzakal demons, I’m writing my letter to Santa…)
* * * * * * *
Dear Fat Man, Hogfather, La Befana, Grandfather Frost, Jack the Pumpkin King, or whoever you are,
I may not have been a good girl all year, but I’ve been a pretty good bad girl. And you have millions of small children sit on your lap, so who are you to judge? This is some stuffs I want:
Subscriptions to Wired UK, Focus, or some other witty sci/tech type magazines.
A calendar. The kind with big boxes for the days, so I can write appointments n stuff down for me, the Animal, and the baby when she gets here. One with pretty pictures of trees, or celestial bodies, or megaliths or something. I’ve got a couple of free promotional calendars from the likes of housing associations and midwifery teams stashed away, but it’s always nice to have a calendar that’s pleasing to look at – it makes writing down dental appointments etc less of a chore…
Gadgetry, and other semi-pointless but nifty things. I still love the Moon In My Room light, and I could do with something that cleans computer stuff like a mini hoover or that Cyber Clean goo. In general, almost anything from Firebox will make me happy.
Food. Nuts are always good, likewise dried fruit. And gingerbread. And jellybeans, especially Jelly Belly ones. And those minty candy canes. In fact, I’ve just discovered you can get Jelly Belly candy canes. Not so keen on chocolate and biscuits, but I’ll still happily eat them cos, y’know, it’s festive and whatnot.
What else? Things for the baby. Timesavers. Random surprise stuff that I never thought of (Mum’s good at those). And, as Marilyn sings, cheques (“Sign your name on the line…”).
That’s all I can think of for this year. Don’t get stuck in the chimney we haven’t got, and if you see any mince pies sitting around when you get here, they’re mine.
In my Saturday afternoon ennui, I’ve decided to look up URLs that sound like unreal examples. Here’s what I found:
Machiavelli Id
4nim4l
guestofmi
